Do People Still Judge?
I wonder if people still judge me. I think that a lot these days. Not that I’m the same person that I was back then, because I’m not. Still, when you go through severe trauma, I guess you just always carry a little bit of that with you. Whether you want to or not.
But there’s too much, I think to myself sometimes, to look back on. Or should I say, there’s never an end to the supply of things that can keep me awake if I slack up the least little bit in taking captive every thought to the obedience of Christ.
No, the devil lies in wait, just daring me to leave a crack in my armor, drop my sword a bit and forget to pray.
I don’t though. I can’t! I’ve seen too much, been through too much, died too many times in my own heart to allow that to ever happen again.
In My Own Mind
I carry all of my past mistakes in my head. Sometimes, at night before I fall asleep, they replay in my thoughts. Not as much as they use to, because God is merciful! But just sometimes. Especially if I’ve had a long, hard day. Especially if I argue with one of the kids. Those days are the hardest.
And I wonder if they still judge me.
I know it was my family that I hurt the most. I think I said “I’m sorry” seventy-nine times every day for the first year after. They said they’d forgiven me, but every time I saw any flicker of something in their eyes, the fear threatened to drown me all over again.
And I wondered if they still judged me.
Turn The Page
I gave my life to God 100%. I quit drinking, and cussing, and screaming, and hurting those I loved the most. I quit pretending that I wasn’t that foul creature. Finally accepted it! Only God can truly forgive, but I always carried the idea that maybe He was the only one. Maybe He was the only one that could forgive me.
I started being the Mom and wife that I knew I should have been all along. The one that I was in the beginning. The Godly one. I started making sure they knew that I loved them and would have died for them. I tried to make them understand that it wasn’t really me.
But I wondered if they still judged me.
No Worse Judge Than Me!
Because, Lord knows I was sure judging myself! Cursing myself every time a memory invaded my head and made me remember something I’d done or said. It’s hard, you know, walking around living in this one life where my body and smile seems to normal, but at the same time, living in the sheer hell of everything that was, up inside my head. Everything that I use to be and do and think.
Everything I had allowed the enemy to turn me into.
To me, or should I say, in my opinion…no, I think “to me” is sufficient. To me, alcohol is a life ender. Even if it doesn’t kill you, you know, if you’re one of the lucky ones. Should I say lucky? Lucky not to die, yes. Lucky to have a chance to quit and straighten up. Yes, I’d say that’s lucky.
I was one of the “sorta” lucky ones. I didn’t die in my flesh, but I died in my mind. And little by little, God is allowing me to rise above the ashes. It’s been three years now, since I stopped drinking. Life is so much better. My family can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing I’ll never be that person again. God is renewing me daily. And it’s been hard.
Still…when the nights get long, and things aren’t going exactly like I had prayed they would…I wonder if they still judge me.
I know things have changed. And I know they probably don’t really ever judge me. I’m thankful that. Unlike so many other people who go through the same thing, we’re still together and getting that second chance that not everyone gets.
Let Me Be The One To Tell You…
But I want to tell you one thing, one thing I don’t ever want you to forget. It is God that gives us each and every breath we draw, each and every beat of our heart that keeps us living and moving forward. It’s God that gives us hope and clarity and the opportunity to be all that He created us to be in the first place. God is a healer, a Savior, a restorer of the breach and the lifter up of my head!
There will never be a day that goes by that I don’t thank and praise Him for what He’s done for me! I’ll never stop praising Him for dragging me, feet-first I think, out of the muck and mire than was my life! I will always, always, always, be grateful for the blood shed on Calvary for each and every one of my filthy sins!
And I want you to know something else too.
If He can do it for me, He can do it for you too! He is the same, yesterday, today and forever. He is God, and He changes not! And I’m so glad!