Sometimes, you just know when God is moving.
Tonight was a night like that.
I had a lot of work to do, and I DID get it done. Finally. There was the late start I got. Then there were all the things that went on after everyone should have already been in bed.
But that’s life sometimes, ain’t it? It is for me 🙂
Somehow or another, I wound up on YouTube. Which is not entirely odd for me, but I don’t usually just sit and listen. Cause, when I hear music it splits every atom of my flesh. It always has. I don’t know if that’s just because I’ve been a singer and a musician for literally ALL OF MY LIFE… or because there’s actually something in the music that affects me that way.
Probably a little of both, right? I mean… the callings and the gifts of God are, after all, without repentance. I’ve always known that. But you know, life just gets in the way sometimes! And who can stop it?
The Bible says there is nothing new under the sun.
Anyways… all that to say that I don’t usually listen to YouTube because it affects me so deeply I can’t do anything else. I CAN’T. I’ve tried. I mean, yeah, I can listen to instrumentals and such. I do that sometimes when I need to shut the world out and write. It does help.
But the stuff with w-o-r-d-s… the stuff with a message… the stuff that speaks to that part of you that doesn’t speak…
Those are hard for me to digest if there’s ANYTHING else going on. I get started listening to music and it never fails that I’m always led down a kind of spiritual yellow brick road. One song leads to the next and before you know it, as the kids say these days, THE FEELS get me.
Yeah, so like I said, I wound up on YouTube tonight. Like, six hours ago. Six hours to finish forty minutes worth of work. It’s a funny story how this all started…
I started a new Bible reading plan on January 1. My word for the year is INTENTIONAL. He gave it to me on day “1” of “2020 Vision”… so Bible reading is THE single most important thing to me. Well, reading and prayer, but they SO go together. I can’t read and not pray.
Today’s reading was Genesis six, seven, and eight. The Flood. Righteous Noah, and how he found grace in the eyes of God. How only eight souls were saved from a flood that burst forth from both above and below.
I would read a little, and get up and do “home stuff”. Then come back and read some more, write a little bit in my Bible journal. And this old song kind of rose up in the back of my mind. I hadn’t heard it in YEARS. It came out in 2003… it’s called “Flood” by Jars of Clay. When I originally went to YouTube, I didn’t even remember who sang the song. I could only remember a few words. So I looked it up and WOW, did it take me back!
I listened to it a couple of times, just because it really started taking me back. To another time and place, to another love, to another kind of blind, so to speak. It was bittersweet.
There in the sidebar were the suggestions, and for some crazy reason, I saw a song I’d never heard before and there was no stopping my clicking on it. Now, it’s important to know that I RARELY listen to songs I’ve never heard before. For one, I don’t have time for new music, and for two, I don’t have time to fit music into my day for the most part. (Refer to the paragraph above that speaks to the atom-splitting intimacy of music for me… yeah… there’s all that…)
The song is called “Holy Water” by a newly signed family group called “We The Kingdom”. “Awesome”, as a word, doesn’t nearly reflect what I felt about the song, but descriptions escape me when it comes to stuff like this.
The first two times I listened to it, I cried. I couldn’t turn it off. I could critique it upside down and backwards, but I will refrain. The Spirit was moving and I can’t deny that. HE is the One that does a new thing, whenever He sees fit.
So, I started researching the band, listening to all the songs I could find that they did. Some I loved, some I tolerated, some I didn’t particularly care for.
THEN, I found a “dance video” by a Twitch streamer. Again, I can’t even begin to fathom how I wound up on THAT video. But there was the song, to start with. She was dancing to Holy Water. Then there was the fact that she was dancing in Crocs. That reminded me of Abby. If it weren’t for Crocs, that child would go barefoot! So, this girl’s smile caught me. Which never happens. I’m an introvert, not a people person. I’m a denier of self, and even if it’s cool and feels right and seems appropriate, I stifle and choke out. I don’t reach out, I LOOK out, ya know? I mean, in the scope of self-preservation…
Which led to the realization that maybe there are some unsurrendered spaces in my life. What, God? What am I missing? I never claimed to be ‘all that’ and I never said I had it all together. What do you want me to see?
(How did I get HERE from “Flood”????)
So… I wound up checking myself and leaving this girl a message. She probably has so many messages, she’s not even likely to see it. But it wasn’t her seeing it that I posted it for. Oddly enough, it was sheer obedience in the face of wanting to be disobedient and just disappear. I’ll probably never see another one of her videos, right?
BUT… I had to, of course, check out her Twitch. I know nothing about it other than Abby uses it to watch game streamers. Then I followed her on Insta, cause, why not? But I clicked on her Facebook link and saw that she had some different, short videos and I came across the one that’s had me up all night… or, the rest of it, at least.
“God Only Knows” by a band called For King and Country. I guess they’re a popular band, but I had never heard this song, and barely recognized them as a Christian band. The video this girl made was only about a minute long, but it impressed that feeling on me again. That song… There was just something about it.
And then it hit me.
Like a brick.
Between the eyes.
Is it me?
I mean, the song is deep. It’s gut-wrenching. It made me cry too, but for a different reason. The video is shattering as well. It walks you through a day in the life of someone who wants to commit suicide. And that topic is always, always, ALWAYS too close to my heart. I shove it away because of how it makes me feel… like there’s an invisible hand reaching into my chest and squishing my heart just enough to almost hurt. And that sick, queasy feeling that comes directly after that.
I’m a suicide survivor.
Those closest to me DIDN’T KNOW.
Those that loved me DIDN’T KNOW.
Those that I loved DIDN’T KNOW.
I played the part like an Emmy-winning actress. The smiles, the happy-me that everyone knew and loved. Even in the midst of complete and utter chaos, Hey, I got this! I’m tough! You know me… hahahagiggle… I’m all good, no worries. See ya later.
When the doors are closed and the lights are off, it’s a different scenario. And maybe while it was day… while the sun was out… while there were people around… maybe it didn’t seem so bad.
But that solitude will – and I say this with complete literality – KILL YOU.
It’s the solitude that will choke you, crush you, rend you into pieces.
Why do you think the serpent waited until Eve was alone to approach her?
And so it has been down through history. Solitude… i.e., come on let’s get real… “introversion”… is a killer. It’s all cool and “meme-ish” here in 2020, but only that it’s not. And I oughta know.
Don’t get the wrong idea with this post though… I truly AM saved from the suicidal demon that almost took my life three times. After all, my life isn’t even MINE to take. It belongs to HIM, because HE already died for it!!
I praise God EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE that He reached down and miraculously saved me every time. And I praise Him for His GRACE and His Mercy!
I am still an introvert. It’s crazy, but I still don’t share the hard things cause, yeah… I still got this… I’m still good.
I can manage to even ask for prayer sometimes 🙂
Breakthrough of breakthroughs.
But this song… GOD ONLY KNOWS…
Someone has to hear this. If it’s not FOR you, maybe it’s for someone you KNOW. There’s a message. Someone wrote this from a heart that knows. Maybe they’ve been there. Maybe someone close to them was there.
Whatever it is, you might need to hear it. So I’m getting ready to share the video AND the lyrics. Pass it on if you feel like you’re supposed to. Be obedient. You never know who it might save.
Oh, and one more note. I don’t know why I’m confessing this, but at the 3:05 marker, I lost it. How many times in my life could things have completely turned around if someone had just come running to ME that way? The funniest part? I’m not a hugger!! Period. But sometimes… just only sometimes… that, THAT, is just what even a non-hugger needs. If the suicide demon is latched on to someone, it’s not likely that a blatant outpouring of emotions and “I love you’s” will change things.
I think (and this is my opinion as an introvert who’s BEEN THERE), that it has to be a careful clicking into place of the suicidal person, God’s sovereign grace and mercy, and the person who’s supposed to be there at THAT time, with THAT word, or THAT hug, or THAT love. Don’t just run someone over and smother them to pieces. I know, for me, smothering works the opposite of how it’s supposed to, sometimes, because we’re all still in these houses of clay… still on the potter’s wheel.
Anyways, I’ll ramble your eyeballs out if I don’t wrap this up.
Go ahead and read these lyrics… watch the video. This is for real. There are people out there that really feel this way. Love the ones God gives you. Don’t treat them like they’re expendable. Don’t treat them like they’re subpar. Check in every once in a while. And, if God moves you to do it, give ’em a hug.
Even if you have to run…
God Only Knows - For King and Country Lyrics: Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin' Too afraid of what might show up while you're dreamin' Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you Nobody, nobody, would believe you Every day you try to pick up all the pieces All the memories, they somehow never leave you Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you Nobody, nobody, would believe you God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you God only knows how it's killing you But there's a kind of love that God only knows God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you But God only knows the real you There's a kind of love that God only knows There's a kind of love that There's a kind of love You keep a cover over every single secret So afraid if someone saw them they would leave But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you Somebody, somebody will never leave you God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you God only knows how it's killing you But there's a kind of love that God only knows God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you That God only knows the real you There's a kind of love that God only knows There's a kind of love that There's a kind of love There's a kind of love that There's a kind of love For the lonely, for the ashamed The misunderstood, and the ones to blame What if we could start over We could start over We could start over Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed The misunderstood, and the ones to blame What if we could start over We could start over We could start over 'Cause there's a kind of love that God only knows God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you But God only knows the real you But there's a kind of love that God only knows God only knows what you've been through God only knows what they say about you God only knows the real you There's a kind of love that God only knows There's a kind of love that There's a kind of love There's a kind of love that There's a kind of love God only knows where to find you God only knows how to break through God only knows the real you There's a kind of love that God only knows