Hey… YOU! Yeah… you… the one with tears running down your face. I mean, yeah, I know they haven’t actually fallen yet, but they’re there. Just below the surface. Or maybe they ARE falling??
So, anyway, I just wanted you to know… I know about that hole you’re trying to fill. Yeah, the one right smack dab in the middle of your chest. The one that feels like fire sometimes.
That one.
It doesn’t even matter why it’s there. You know, mine was caused by one thing. Then another thing landed on top of it. Ugh… disgusting. I hated it! Then ANOTHER thing… AND ANOTHER!
How can so much bad luck happen to one person, right? I mean, where’s everybody that said they’d “be there,” right?
If you’re like me, you called ’em. And they didn’t show. I mean, they said they would, sure.
Don’t they all?
Even the CLOSEST ONES. The ones that said there’s NO WAY they’d ever leave you. Wow… that sucked. I mean, REALLY hurt.
Remember sitting there on the couch? The TV was rolling along, but you weren’t watching. You weren’t listening. Ok, so maybe the electric rain outside the window might have caught your attention a time or two…
Or were those the tears?
SPLATTER, SPLATTER, IT DOESN’T MATTER!!!! (sing-song, sing-song a million times!!!)
Crazy smiles… tears for miles…
Try to smile. Fake it til you make it, right?
RIGHT???
Besides, it’s midnight now. Tomorrow the sun will come up again. Life will call and you’ll answer. Bills to pay. Kids to be strong for.
He’s not here. Oh wait… he WAS. But then… wait… (blink blink blink… electric rain… crazy thunder somewhere in your brain….)
YOU DID THIS!!!
He’s gone!!!
She’s gone!!!
THEY ARE GONE!!
No, not forever. But the road back… wait… IS there a road back?
It seems like… right now… with the rain and the dark and the background noise and the fire in your chest and the knot in your throat and the self-inflicted damnation in your heart… seems like there’s no way to get there.
So, see?? I DO know what that hole is like. I know what the tears feel like. Really, I do.
It’s like, at first, there are SO MANY THINGS that will fill it!! SUCCESS!!!
Oh no… no, that’s not it.
It’s not the alcohol. The bottle cried CHECKMATE, and you were out. Fell over again, just like the loser King.
It’s not the pills. CHECKMATE AGAIN, SUCKER!!!! Didn’t work.
It’s not the bullets. WOW, YOU CAN’T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT!!! Yeah…
Yeah, I know.
You know what it’s like, though? It’s like seeing a rat hole in your wall (if you’ve never seen one, it stinks. Like… for real, stinks. Bad.) and ripping off a big line of duct tape to seal it off with.
SMILES!! Yay!! I covered the hole!! FINALLY!!
But… then… they chew back through it again. Now it’s bigger! So you rip off another line, bigger than before! Seal it off!
The next day, it’s the same old thing. Sick stomach. Rumbling memories… where did I put that gun….?????
Fire! Fire!! FIRE!!!
And still… no one’s there. THEY aren’t there. There’s no one to catch you if you… ahem… WHEN you fall. Remember?? They’re gone right now.
So yeah, I know about that hole.
But then… where’s that voice coming from???
It’s always darkest just before the dawn…
It echoes, again and again…
Mama? Is that you?
Yes! It’s always darkest just before the dawn. Every cloud has a silver lining! Wash your hands and say your prayer, cuz Jesus and germs are everywhere!
Wow. I forgot that she said that! (Wiping my tears.) All those things.
Memory lane… pigtails and skinned knees… no hole, no hurt. No electric rain on the inside. No “them”… no “gone”… no exit strategy…
I’m a big girl now, Mama! I can do it myself!
LIES!
But Mama isn’t here. She’s far away. I can’t get there. I can’t call there. And I can’t see through this veil, it’s sick with fire and rain…
So, see… I know that hole!!
Somewhere in the night… somewhere beyond that wet pillow… there’s another voice…
Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning…
LIES!!!
There’s IS NO MORNING!! That morning is GONE, just like them! I’ll never fill THIS hole!!!
Again… quiet… soft… still… small… another voice…
It seems so familiar…
It’s almost like… like I’ve heard it before…
Don’t forsake your first love…
Tears rolling down a woman’s face… a pew behind me… she’s crying and praying… declaring me royalty. And she says it again…
Weeping… MOURNING…
Don’t forsake your first love…
Thunderstorms on the inside… the hole gapes… yes, THAT hole. The one you didn’t think I knew about.
And then…
And then, a familiar warmth seems to fill the room. Not overwhelming. No more voices, no more blinding lighting crashes…
It seems to FIT the hole. {GASP…} Seals it up a little bit. There’s a book… this book that I need…
Scramble from the bed, as fast as my fog will let me…
Dig, dig, dig in the box I threw together when I came here… RECLUSE!!
I buried it for a reason!
Evil grumbling seems to rise up from under my feet. My skin crawls… dark voices… still familiar, but not welcome…
Why get THAT book?? Did it help you before? Did it save you before?? Or did it keep you from winding up here…without them… forsaken… with rats chewing in and rain crashing and fire burning? Did it? DID IT???
SHUT UP!!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!!!
Dig, dig, digdigdigdigdigdigdigdigdig… dig, and then…
Dark leather… creased, bent, buckled, stained, leather.
I barely lay my thumb against the edge of the cover and fold it open…
Black ink. Cursive. Determined…
Sin will keep you from this book, but this book will also keep you from sin.
Wait… Mama told me that.
Yes! And it’s always darkest just before the dawn…
So see, I DO KNOW WHAT THAT HOLE FEELS LIKE.
And there’s only one thing that will fill it!
Jesus, who knew no sin, came to BE SIN. Tempted and tried in all ways like us.
But wait, Jesus… really?
They left me! To DROWN!! ALONE!!
Yes, and they left me to DIE!! ON A CROSS!!
Whoa… yeah.
Back and forth… all night… but, but, but…
Just trust Me. Come back. I know it’s nasty where you are, but I’m right here.
No, Jesus… you don’t know what I’ve done!
But I do… I wasn’t the One who left YOU… remember?
But… I’ve dug a hole too deep to get out of. I’m going crazy! There’s isn’t any ME left!
I don’t care what you’ve done. Just come home. You weren’t meant to be out there.
Really?
Really.
……
I found the thing that fills that hole… that GOD-SIZED hole. It’s HIM. The Creator. The Savior. The One who paid a great price for ME!
And for YOU!
Haven’t you heard him calling?
Sure, you have… late at night there’s… there’s SOMETHING… you can’t… quite… put your finger on…
See, the enemy of your soul wants you to think it’s just “YOU” doing what you’ve always done…
You’re crazy, right? Who’s gonna listen to you? Liar… thief… cheat… manipulator… abuser… evil…
HE is going to listen to you!
He WILL!
And He can reach as far down as you already are.
He did it for me. And if he can do it for ME…
Yep. You know what I’m gonna say…
HE CAN DO IT FOR YOU TOO!
I wouldn’t lie to you. No reason to.
Jesus told the woman at the well He had LIVING WATER to offer to replace her tears.
And guess what?
It’s still available!!
And it can fill even the biggest, widest, most infested hole you’ve ever seen.
I’m not just talking… I’m living proof.
The book of Revelation says we overcome by THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB, and THE WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY.
I’m an overcomer.
What the enemy meant for harm, says Romans 8:28, Jesus can turn around and use it for good.
If you have that hole… that fire, that acid rain and crashing lightning…
If you’re alone and lost, and without THEM… whoever they are…
Know that God is a restorer of the breach. (Isaiah 58:12)
The God that closed the mouths of a den full of hungry lions… (Daniel chapter 6)
Can pick you up, dust you off, and clothe you with righteousness! (Isaiah 61:10)
The God who walked in a fiery furnace with the three Hebrew children (Daniel chapter 3)…
Can bring you out of this trial without even the smell of smoke!
The God who parted the Red Sea and allowed hundreds of thousands of people to escape Pharoah’s wrath (Exodus chapter 14)…
Can bring you through on dry land!!
The God that came, walked this earth in flesh, died on a rugged cross, shed his precious life’s blood, and was resurrected on the third day…
Can take your dead, defeated life and breathe brand new life into it again, where once there were only tears!!
This is the most powerful testimony..and the Love of God.wow..so amazingly written !
Glory to God, Rita, thank you so much <3!! This almost went into the trash, honestly. I am not use to being so blatantly "personal" and I told someone else yesterday... after writing it, it was as if I had just woke up from a nightmare!! Heart racing... I could feel everything all over again. BUT... it seems to be where God is leading, so I will follow <3 Love you!
Wow! This is truly amazing and so personal! It touched home for me as I was there until I called out in the darkness. You are such a fantastic writer and this piece was Glorious! Thank you so much Stacey Lynn!
I am so humbled, sis, at your words here <3 They mean so much more to me than you will ever know and I give God ALL the glory and honor!! He is so good to have picked me up out of it all. Yes... being in that darkness is paralyzing and I thank God TOO that YOU called out and are here now, serving Him and encouraging others! You are certainly a blessing to me!
Wonderful post. “We have been subjected to vanity so that God may subject us to His grace.”
Life is complicated is it not? His grace is sufficient. Blessings to you!
Here is one of my own. Thank You.
https://davidtoft.wordpress.com/2013/06/07/im-sorry-cinderella-no-longer-lives-here/
Praise God, David, you are so right! I often struggle with “how much” I want to tell about the things I’ve been through… or rather, the things GOD RESCUED ME FROM. But the older I get, the more I see that sometimes, it’s just what people need. Someone who will actually be real. I can’t wait to read this blog post of yours. In fact, I’m headed that way now. Thank you, brother, I pray you are abundantly blessed! Thank you for stopping by!