I Miss You, Daddy…

My daddy passed away today.

Wow… seeing it in black and white feels a little different than I thought it would. I didn’t really know if writing this post was something I was actually going to do, but here I am doing it.

The things we do when times are not normal…

I have scrolled through Facebook and seen the posts of family members talking about “missing him” and it got me to thinking. I’ve really been “missing him” for years. The Alzheimer’s stole him away a long time ago. More so in recent years. And then the last two months were stolen by a virus I’m not even sure how I feel about.

And he didn’t even have it!

Still, it kept his wife from his side for over two months. In those two months, he lost massive amounts of weight and came home unable to walk, talk, move, reason, or tell any of us goodbye.

And… in a word… that just plain sucks.

I sit here, some 12 hours after his passing, and I still haven’t cried yet. Is it shock? Is it the fact that we had time to prepare? Am I cold and unfeeling?

I honestly don’t have an answer. I don’t know why I haven’t. I can feel my heart break. That feeling at the base of my throat that constantly threatens. But…

I have so many other things to think about. An autistic son that’s crushed. Not only about losing his Pappaw, but about his Mammaw, who is mourning her husband of almost 66 years.

Yeah… that’s another thing. They would have celebrated their 66th wedding anniversary on the 28th of this month.

In thinking about the fact that I haven’t cried, I realized the last time I DID cry about him was that time Mom called me to come pick up some chicken and dumplings she was going to have to throw out otherwise. And she KNOWS how much I love her chicken and dumplings.

When I got there, Daddy was having a particularly bad night of not really knowing people. For the longest time, while I was there, he thought I was my cousin, I think.

Mom told him, “No, it’s Stacey,” and I swear, his whole face contorted in an expression reserved for those who are seeing someone they haven’t seen in years! He said, “Ohhhhhhhh, Stacey!” and rubbed my hair and patted my back. Then he hugged me and said, “Where have you been?!”

I don’t even remember HOW I got out of there. Jimmy was parked across the street and I remember running and crying and I couldn’t even speak, almost all the way home.

I don’t know if it was the fact that he hadn’t known me to start with, or the look on his face, or the sound of his voice when he “realized” it was me.

THAT is when my heart totally broke, for the first time since this dreaded disease robbed his mind, and all of us at the same time.

So, now that it’s finally taken his life… I feel like I should be far more broken up. But like I said… maybe it’s the shock. I wasn’t there when he passed. Maybe my brain or my subconscious is tricking my emotions into believing I’m just going to walk in and see him when all of this stupid virus crap is over.

But there are days ahead that demand planning and being there for Mom. When all the craziness dies away, there will be “life” to get back to.

And I’m getting back to it without a Daddy.

And that really hurts.

I’m thankful that we have a Comforter Who holds us when we cannot carry ourselves. In reality, it’s Him that’s cushioning me against the fact that I’ve been a Daddy’s girl all my life. Now, I’m just a Daddy’s girl without a Daddy.

I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll get through this. And I know I’ll be able to be there for my mom and kids. I’m not the only one that lost him, and Jesus knows that. And He is reminding me of all the good memories of Daddy. Those can really keep a person hanging on!

And more than anything, I’m thankful for a salvation that allows me to know that when my own race is run, I will join Him in heaven, for an eternity He paid for on Calvary’s cross.

This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. (Lamentations 3:21)

10 Comments

  1. So sorry to hear about your loss Sis. Wells. Pray for the peace that passes all understanding over you & your family. May God Bless.

  2. Stacey May God cover and comfort you, everyone handles grief differently there is no right or wrong! I didn’t cry for a year! I will be praying for you sending hugs and love! Truly sad for your loss🙏🏻😭❤️

    1. Author

      Thank you, Sis <3 Wow... a year? I can see that. You just never know! Thank you for the prayers. We're gonna need 'em!

  3. Grief takes on many forms, Stacey. You have already been through so much with the fact that he had forgotten who you were many times, but he was still there, even then. I can’t tell you when or how, but it will come. And healing will come. Take good care of yourself in the meantime.
    At the mention of the chicken and dumplings, that brings back so many memories with my stepmom. She always called me over to ‘come get the rest of the chicken and dumplings before they waste.’
    We will miss them! Don’t feel guilty about any way you feel or grieve. It’s your walk. Your grief. Your memories.
    Love you. I’m here.

  4. Dearest Stacey, I’m late to this post and I apologize for that! First and foremost, please accept my sincerest sympathies for you and your family. Loss is devastating, even when we knew it was coming.

    Grief and healing from grief are such a personal process. Please never feel that you must do or feel ____ by a certain time frame. I trust that Abba will wrap you in His loving, protective arms and walk you through every step of the way. When you do feel, it will be at the right time. It’s okay to not know what to feel or how to feel when you’ve experienced something so difficult. 🤗

    You are deeply loved. Your story will help others to feel not alone in their own grief. I’m proud of you for sharing this. I pray it was cathartic for you. If I can be here for you in any way, please let me know. God bless you, sweet sis. We love you!

    1. Author

      Holly, I can’t tell you what this means to me. I was just thinking about this situation today. It’s been over a month! And I had to stop and think to myself, how has it been that long?! It’s certainly a journey I never considered and I’m still not navigating it with any form of certainty. But your words here tonight have really blessed me. So thank you from the bottom of my heart <3! Your willingness to be "near to the brokenhearted" is comforting in a way I couldn't have expected. Bless YOU, dear sister! Loving you right back!

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