My daddy passed away today.
Wow… seeing it in black and white feels a little different than I thought it would. I didn’t really know if writing this post was something I was actually going to do, but here I am doing it.
The things we do when times are not normal…
I have scrolled through Facebook and seen the posts of family members talking about “missing him” and it got me to thinking. I’ve really been “missing him” for years. The Alzheimer’s stole him away a long time ago. More so in recent years. And then the last two months were stolen by a virus I’m not even sure how I feel about.
And he didn’t even have it!
Still, it kept his wife from his side for over two months. In those two months, he lost massive amounts of weight and came home unable to walk, talk, move, reason, or tell any of us goodbye.
And… in a word… that just plain sucks.
I sit here, some 12 hours after his passing, and I still haven’t cried yet. Is it shock? Is it the fact that we had time to prepare? Am I cold and unfeeling?
I honestly don’t have an answer. I don’t know why I haven’t. I can feel my heart break. That feeling at the base of my throat that constantly threatens. But…
I have so many other things to think about. An autistic son that’s crushed. Not only about losing his Pappaw, but about his Mammaw, who is mourning her husband of almost 66 years.
Yeah… that’s another thing. They would have celebrated their 66th wedding anniversary on the 28th of this month.
In thinking about the fact that I haven’t cried, I realized the last time I DID cry about him was that time Mom called me to come pick up some chicken and dumplings she was going to have to throw out otherwise. And she KNOWS how much I love her chicken and dumplings.
When I got there, Daddy was having a particularly bad night of not really knowing people. For the longest time, while I was there, he thought I was my cousin, I think.
Mom told him, “No, it’s Stacey,” and I swear, his whole face contorted in an expression reserved for those who are seeing someone they haven’t seen in years! He said, “Ohhhhhhhh, Stacey!” and rubbed my hair and patted my back. Then he hugged me and said, “Where have you been?!”
I don’t even remember HOW I got out of there. Jimmy was parked across the street and I remember running and crying and I couldn’t even speak, almost all the way home.
I don’t know if it was the fact that he hadn’t known me to start with, or the look on his face, or the sound of his voice when he “realized” it was me.
THAT is when my heart totally broke, for the first time since this dreaded disease robbed his mind, and all of us at the same time.
So, now that it’s finally taken his life… I feel like I should be far more broken up. But like I said… maybe it’s the shock. I wasn’t there when he passed. Maybe my brain or my subconscious is tricking my emotions into believing I’m just going to walk in and see him when all of this stupid virus crap is over.
But there are days ahead that demand planning and being there for Mom. When all the craziness dies away, there will be “life” to get back to.
And I’m getting back to it without a Daddy.
And that really hurts.
I’m thankful that we have a Comforter Who holds us when we cannot carry ourselves. In reality, it’s Him that’s cushioning me against the fact that I’ve been a Daddy’s girl all my life. Now, I’m just a Daddy’s girl without a Daddy.
I know I’ll be okay. I know I’ll get through this. And I know I’ll be able to be there for my mom and kids. I’m not the only one that lost him, and Jesus knows that. And He is reminding me of all the good memories of Daddy. Those can really keep a person hanging on!
And more than anything, I’m thankful for a salvation that allows me to know that when my own race is run, I will join Him in heaven, for an eternity He paid for on Calvary’s cross.
This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. (Lamentations 3:21)