I’ve been in a total funk lately. Well… I should say “for too long”! Do you ever just have a season that seems as dry as the most distant desert? Like you don’t even have the strength to stand up, spiritually speaking? I don’t know why it’s surprising when it comes, but it sure is pressing when you’re in the middle of it.
No weapon formed against us will prosper… but I think sometimes we forget the weapon WILL FORM.
And sometimes it’s us!
I don’t know how to explain my situation. Whether you’d call it a “quiet time” or “isolation” or something else altogether. I don’t guess it matters. I have been the furthest thing from myself. And I’m not too fond of it. And I’m pretty sure God doesn’t like it.
I was lamenting my emotions to my husband earlier today about not sharing things the way I have for, oh, about five or six years now. He listened, just like he always does, and then he told me not to dare quit sharing.
I admit I was kind of taken aback by the statement. Don’t get me wrong, I know he supports me in my blogging and in the things I do on social media. He makes it a point to squeeze my book into conversations he has with people here and there when he feels like it’s relevant. If someone needs an ear or a shoulder, he often sends them my way because he knows where I stand.
And here, all this time, I’ve just been silent and still and quiet. Oh, I have that fire shut up in my bones, I just haven’t felt qualified to provide it an outlet. Funny how even when nothing has actually “changed,” you just suddenly get this idea you’re just not good enough.
Boo-hoo. It’s bad enough to feel it. It’s hell’s inferno to admit it.
But here I am.
I might not have been so quick to get back on here and speak so candidly, but today has just been “one of those days.” From the time I woke up (with far too little sleep, to start with) until just about an hour ago, it’s been one confirmation after another. Emails. Messages. Social media posts.
And then that conversation with my husband, thrown in for good measure.
I don’t know exactly what God has planned. And I dare say I don’t even want to assume, even if I feel quite sure because things just HAPPEN and then DON’T HAPPEN, or they ARE, and then they’re NOT. I guess it’s coming to a place where you think, “Jesus, I have always listened for Your instructions and followed them to the best of my ability. Now, it’s almost like I’m not hearing anything at all, or hearing something that’s not really from you. What’s going on??”
And then I was reminded, most recently, that when the disciples were in the boat in Mark 4, at JESUS’ instruction, nonetheless, they woke Him up as the storm raged on and the winds blew, and the water filled the boat… and they said, “Jesus, don’t you care that we’re all gonna die?!”
Jesus got up, rebuked the waves, and SPOKE…
But then He turned right around and rebuked their lack of faith too!
(Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief!)
He called them into the boat. He said they were “going over,” AND THEY DID. But right smack in the middle of it all, when things didn’t look all bright and shiny and perfect, they assumed Jesus would just nap through their total demise as if He didn’t care at all.
In my own life, I’ve sat with my head down… you might even say, with it buried in the sand, knowing full well that He called my family and me to “go over” a certain way. What right do I have, in the MIDDLE, to question that?
On the other hand, I could say I’m not usable.
No, seriously… I could say that.
But, I imagine, about the time the “cock crew” after Peter had denied Jesus the third time… when the Lord turned and looked straight at him… well, I guess he thought he was done for, too. And we all know how that turned out.
Sometimes, the best you can do is what Jesus told you to do the first time. After all, when WE are weak, that’s when HE is strong. Sometimes OUR stumbling or OUR fall is just a path to where He wants us, as it was with so many throughout the Scriptures. And after having done all to stand…