I’m not usually one for making it to my blog for “mere sharing of thought”… and through the day today and into tonight, I thought, maybe I need to change that?
Not so much to put my business out there or try to be seen for something that I think needs to be seen. Because that’s just not me at all. Everybody that knows me knows that.
But maybe something that I’m going through might also be something that someone else is going through. And maybe by sharing the same, that “someone” might not feel so alone in their own walk?
I had a really weird dream last night. I can’t remember all of it though. We were in this HUGE hotel. Why, I don’t know. The rooms were arranged in ways I’ve never seen in an actual hotel though. You know how, at most hotels, you can drive around and see all the doors on the upper and lower levels? And the upper levels have a kind of railing? Well, that’s the arrangement of these rooms in my dream, but on the inside. When you walked in the front door, you could see all the rooms on both sides and on the far, far wall, quite a way off in the distance. In the middle was a boxed-in sort of freestanding room, which served as the front desk.
The part of the dream I remember is realizing I saw or thought I had seen, someone go into our room on the upper level. My hubby was with someone else, on the lower level, and again, I don’t know why or what, and I was trying to run and tell him because I was afraid to go and confront the person myself. On the way to where I thought hubby was, I ran into the maid. She didn’t speak English, and so I started speaking to her in her language and asked her if she’d seen someone go into room such and such, and she said no.
But I was sure of it! In the dream, my heart was racing. I finally caught up with hubby and told him and he just shrugged it off. I ran back to the room and saw all our valuables still there, but I was SO confused! I couldn’t figure out why they were there, but I had this feeling that they were looking for something specific.
Another Part of the Dream
As is often the case in dreams, I was suddenly transported from the hotel room to my grandmother’s house. I might note here that I OFTEN dream of being in that house, having remodeled it and turned it into this stunning place. Grandma passed away in 1998, and I lived in the house with my hubby and kids a few times over the years, from 2000 onward. It has since fallen in and is good for nothing but plowing under, memories and all.
So anyway, I’m in the house and I’m standing in front of the stove and I have something in my hands. It’s a crudely made stuffy doll that might have resembled a voodoo doll just a little too much. I wish I were good at describing things, and I might could do it justice, but this was by far the oddest thing I’ve ever seen. It was a “doll,” but you couldn’t make out whether it was a person or an animal or some make believe thing. In my dream, I remembered I was troubled about it, though now I can’t figure out why. My Dad was there and he wanted to see it, and for some reason, I was bothered by that. I kept pulling away and finally reluctantly showed it to him. I called it something. I can’t remember what it was, and it seemed to be important somehow.
The Real Life Phone Call
I got to talk to Mom today. We basically just chatted about “stuff in general” but at one point, she mentioned something and I opened my mouth to ask her what Dad thought of that. Then, like a flood, the knowledge rushed over me that he is gone. My throat got tight for a split second and my chest hurt, but then it was all gone.
I wonder sometimes why I STILL haven’t grieved. Knowing that I should have. Knowing that it’s best to go ahead and get it over with. But head knowledge and heart notions aren’t often in sync with one another, especially with a life like mine. I mean, where would I possibly go to grieve? I’m not really ever alone, and though I know my daughter would TOTALLY understand, I know just as solidly that my son would not. I mean… yes, he would, but he wouldn’t handle it well. And so, in the best interest of his state of mind, I refrain. Then there’s my bed at night… but I don’t want to wake hubby. Then there’s the bathroom… but there’s an ever-present line, all hours of the night. Yeah, I’m not the only that suffers from insomnia!
I don’t often feel ill, but the past couple of days, I sure have! And not in the manner that might come to mind when you hear someone say that. I have had often and on sinus pressure, but it comes and goes so drastically, I think it can’t possibly be that, because that doesn’t make sense.
And then there are the bouts of complete lack of energy. But then, my sleep schedule is so off and whacked out (no matter how hard I try), I could just as easily attribute it to that. Some days I might get to bed at 9. And when I do, the next week could see me working until 6 am, just because I don’t feel tired enough to lay down and close my eyes. I have learned from past endeavors, if I wait until I’m tired, I’ll go right to sleep. If I lay down when I’m NOT tired, and say, I’m going to sleep anyway, then I’ll lay there until the sun comes up, regardless of how much sleep I got the night before.
It’s not like that’s new. My mother has even talked about how, when I was a child, pre-elementary school, that I could lay in bed until four in the morning with my eyes wide open. I keep praying for a change, but so far, no dice.
So Much to Think About
I know that I am in a “season.” There’s no doubt about that. It’s been confirmed. And confirmed again. And, just in case I missed it, there’s been more confirmation. The enemy of our souls is not happy with the Kingdom work my family is doing. Dedicating ourselves and our musical talent and our Tribe of Judah lineage solely to the work of the Kingdom is shaking the darkness. I know, because I’ve seen it. I’ve
maybe definitely seen more than I was expecting to see… taken by surprise if I’m being totally honest.
And there’s so much more on the horizon. Steps we haven’t taken. Plans we haven’t seen carried out, even though they’ve been confirmed. Promises hanging over our heads that we can just FEEL are about to come to culmination.
And I wonder how I’ll make it all fit together. Yes, I know HE will show me. He will confirm and lead and take over when there’s no more of me left. I know all that. But my flesh cries out that whatever is “out there”… whatever “out there” actually even means… is completely and totally unknown.
How do you prepare for that?
The answer, solid and true, that I have gotten so far is: by prayer and fasting.
And so I pray. I fast (sometimes without even realizing it or meaning to). And I keep my eyes ever Eastward. Literally.